JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is confused by the complexities of modern dating
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Crazy little thing called love
My ex-colleague and I started sleeping together after half a dozen dinner dates. I assumed we were an item, but then she kept putting me off. Every time I suggested a meal or trip to the cinema, she muttered that she was busy. In the end I assumed she no longer wished to see me and started on-line dating. I admit that I went a bit crazy – sleeping around and bragging about it on social media and to mates but I thought I was free.
But apparently, that was wrong. Now she’s branded me a cheating love rat.
She’s told mutual friends that I’m a scumbag and that I’ve hurt her. What are the rules and where do I stand? How was I supposed to know that she was taking a break/playing hard to get?
JANE SAYS: Make it clear that you’re a straightforward guy; you like your friend very much but aren’t much good at second-guessing moves and motives. What was she up to during your break? Did she have personal or professional problems? It would be a shame not to reconnect. If you both feel you’re got a shot at happiness, then start again. Agree to put this false start down to teething troubles and vow to behave like adults. She needs to be more honest and transparent in future. No more radio silence or mind games. Uncomplicated communication must be the way forward. Does she get that?
I gave it away
Last Christmas I came into a large sum of money.
I thought I’d be kind and share it around. But all I’ve done is split the family in two and set loved one against loved one. Today I find myself slagged off and isolated and I don’t think that’s fair. I was simply trying to do a nice thing. The day after I received my cash injection, I paid off my parents’ considerable debts. Dad has always been a spendthrift and Mum is hopeless with paperwork. I gave my sister £300 and my brother £200. I gave £50 vouchers to my nieces and nephews. Big mistake.
Almost immediately my sister started complaining. Why hadn’t I paid off her debts too? It wasn’t fair. My brother joined in. He sent me a list of all the people he owed money too and demanded £10,000. He hinted that if I didn’t ‘do the right thing’, then he’d never speak to me again. All year I’ve tried to explain to everyone that I don’t have limitless recourses and need to plan for my own future.
But now my brother and sister are refusing to see me at Christmas, and my Mum and Dad are at war because he’s spending again and my Mum is tearing her hair out.
She’s talking divorce lawyers and is threatening to move in with a friend. The other night my Dad blamed me for interfering. He huffed that the whole balance of their relationship changed with my cash gift and that I was patronising and should have left alone.
I can’t win. It feels as though I’ve lost my whole family. My wife says I can’t blame myself, but I do. When did playing Father Christmas become so complicated?
JANE SAYS: What’s the old saying: “No good deed goes unpunished”? The day you received your cash windfall you vowed to do some good. You shared your fortune around and expected thanks and gratitude. Very big mistake.
Today your brother and sister are jealous and angry. Meanwhile your parents are at war. Your Mum is furious with your Dad for slipping back into his free spending ways and your Dad blames you for interfering. Stop being so hard on yourself. Calm down and prioritise your own wellbeing. Hopefully your brother and sister will sober up and come round in time and you’ll be reunited.
As for your parents, you must allow them to work out their relationship, their way. You have no way of knowing how their lives have been in recent years. They could have been in conflict about his spending and a whole range of other problems for ages. Maybe they were always destined to break up in the end?
Does your Mum need practical and emotional support? Should your Dad speak to his GP regarding his spending?
Think about sending out an email or a round-robin letter setting out your position and motivation and asking for peace and reconciliation. Point out that life is too short for anger and bitterness at Christmas.
Childish girl is a liability
I’m convinced my girl is determined to sabotage my career. She’s jealous because I’m more successful than her. She constantly rings and messages me throughout the day. She claims to be worried but, if anything, she contributes to making my anxiety levels even worse. Recently she barged into an important presentation I was giving. She humiliated me.
JANE SAYS: Sit your girl down and explain that you appreciate her concern but emphasise that you must be able to function without being distracted. If something about her overbearing behaviour annoys and frustrates you, then have this out with her. Sadly, if she really doesn’t take you (or your career) seriously, then do you need to part? Trust your instincts and do not allow her to bring you down. You’ve worked hard to get where you are.
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