JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from an angry Daily Star reader who’s been strung along and neglected for too long
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Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
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He feels no guilt
My husband I last had sex in March 2010. I can remember the occasion quite clearly. I walked into the bedroom, stripped naked and got into bed with him.
We enjoyed a night of love and passion. But, in the morning, he pushed me away saying: “Don’t”.
He never once touched me again after that. I begged him to tell me why I was being rejected but he wouldn’t/couldn’t give me an answer. Now I’ve just discovered that he’s been sleeping with a secret mistress for over fifteen years. All the times I was blaming myself for being unsexy and ugly, he was bedding HER, a close colleague. I’m so angry that he wasn’t able to be honest with me. Why did he choose her when I’ve always done so much for him? I only know the truth now because his lover is ill with a serious condition. She’s been in and out of hospital and her sister has been onto my husband begging for money to send her to Florida for a lifesaving operation. The sister has even messaged ME begging for cash.
The other night I confronted him and – in a very twisted way – he tried to justify his behaviour. He claims that he doesn’t consider himself a cheat because he never slept with me and his lover at the same time. In his mind we are two very separate women he’s had very different relationships with – sexual with her and emotional with me. Have you ever heard anything quite so cruel and cynical? All I’ve ever wanted was a loving, fully rounded relationship and I got this nonsense.
I’m tearing my hair out with frustration. How can I begin to move on when our whole marriage is such a mess?
JANE SAYS: For fifteen long years your husband has denied you love and sexual satisfaction. He has selfishly pursued a physical relationship with another woman while deliberately keeping you in the dark. Now, very sadly, his mistress is ill, and the truth has floated to the top.
The woman needs medical attention, and her family are going out of their minds with worry. They view your husband as the answer to their prayers. Can you stay in this marriage knowing that he deliberately deceived you for so long; that he allowed you to feel ugly and unworthy while he bedded his colleague?
As for his cack-handed attempt to justify his affair by claiming that he didn’t really cheat because you and she never overlapped – do me a favour! He insults you with his claptrap. The bottom line is that he cynically juggled two women at once. I suspect you were useful for cooking, cleaning and keeping the home together, while she was the exciting, forbidden fruit. You now owe it to yourself to live the rest of your life to the full. You deserve love and passion. It’s never too late to start again. Break the cycle by finding someone who can give you the honesty and attention you’ve yearned for.
If he wants to give his lover some money, then he can do it out of his savings. She’s got nothing to do with you.
She didn’t even notice
For as long as I can remember I’ve been obsessed with impressing my closest friend. We went to school together and she’s always been ‘cool’.
As a teen I blew a fortune on trendy clothes and haircuts. In my twenties I went on endless holidays that I couldn’t afford just to brag about them afterwards.
At one point I rented a flat in her swanky area that nearly ruined me financially. Now she lives miles away and I only see her once a year. Recently I went down to visit, and she was wearing filthy old clothes while mucking out a horse. She said she’d never been happier. I now realise that she didn’t even realise that I was so desperate to keep up with her. What was I playing at?
JANE SAYS: You’re obviously a hardworking person. In the past, where your friend led, you were determined to follow. I suspect you always felt that she was one step ahead of the latest fashions and trends, but you did what you thought was right at the time. Now you finally feel comfortable in your own skin. You may have (privately) held her up as the perfect example of a ‘together’ person, but I can guarantee that she’s always juggled as many worries and insecurities as the rest of us. Accept that this is a new era for both of you.
Spendthrift girl is touchy
My stepdaughter cannot manage money. She lives beyond her means and constantly borrows cash.
I’ve tried to talk to her about easing back from her lavish lifestyle, but she takes no notice. Should I refuse to lend her a penny more or will that destroy our relationship?
JANE SAYS: Don’t lend what you can’t afford, especially if your stepdaughter is reluctant to pay you back. You’d be well within your rights to say ‘enough’. If she overspends to wow friends, then she’s impressing no one. However, if she splurges because she has a problem controlling her urges, then she needs to speak to her GP about possible compulsive behaviour. She must know that you love and support her. You’re on her side but have your own financial limitations.
#husbands #hidden #lover #left #sexually #frustrated
